Don’t Waste Your BreathBy ChinoI’m floating, my legs are tingling and a faint buzzing sensation is coursing through my entire body. If you can look beyond the whites of my eyes as they begin to roll into the back of my skull, you could see the stupid smile on my face. “Breathe in through your nose and out your mouth.” I repeat this mantra to myself over and over again as I ponder whether or not we truly deserve to be categorized as “higher life forms.” Breathing, the basic bodily function responsible for life is a neglected one. Has a single one of us ever done it correctly? When I scrawl, “don’t waste your breath” I mean it. Put aside the fact that we smoke, court hypertension and cardiac ailments because of horrible diets and lack of exercise. Pay no attention to the figurative breaths wasted through the banality of everyday conversation – which undeserving shill has advanced to whatever semi-final, who has done who in the office. When you sit at your desk, on the crapper, on the subway, when you are being pounded by the shaven ape you call a boyfriend, are you actually breathing? Is your breathing serving its intended purpose of cooling off the body, supplying your muscles with energy, ergo alleviating discomfort, worry, anxiety and ultimately stress? Or, which is most likely the case, is your breathing the equivalent of twiddling your thumb; something you’re doing almost out of habit. Pranayama, the second of eight stages in the practice of Yoga (the religion not the bored housewife activity) meant to further the aspirant on his path to spiritual release, focuses on this problem. Attaining a profound state of relaxation is the specific goal of this stage. The idea of discipline leading to relaxation must seem like a contradiction to western thinking, but let me finish providing the context I began above that made this obvious to me. I was getting high, legally. Can we say nitrous oxide! (Weeeee) at my dentist’s office. For more than a couple of visits I was paying nothing more than lip service to the Doc’s advice on how to best take in the N20. Upon first being gassed I felt mildly light-headed, but when the drill, clamps and the jaws of life came out all the euphoric shit flew out the window. I shoved myself into my own zen frame of mind making myself impervious to anything short of nuclear fall-out. But this meant I wasn’t enjoying the high, which I was legally allowed to enjoy. On subsequent visits I had the doctor kick the gas up a notch. The same thing occurred; while I was waiting for the local anesthetic to turn my mouth muscles to bubble-yum I would feel nicely buzzed, but even that wasn’t very satisfying. When I asked him to put it higher he said he couldn’t in good conscious (or legally) put it any higher. Instead he firmly patted me on the shoulder and emphasized that proper breathing was key. Now he wasn’t a yogi and I wasn’t wrapped in linen searching for nirvana, but I gave it a shot. Within a few seconds of concerted breathing I was … well… like the beginning… of this piece. Gone. The Dentist came over with his tools and began to work. I felt myself slipping, being mercilessly dragged down from my aerie and shoved back into my carcass, “NO! NO! NO!” But wait I thought, this shouldn’t be happening. There is no actual pain for all the drilling and bits of tooth I’m being hit with. If my lungs are taking in the same amount of N20 I should still be the same… oh…wait, that’s the problem. For one thing I have my mouth wide open, hence the temptation to breath through the mouth is even greater and, secondly, there is something generally uncomfortable about sharp motorized utensils being held in your mouth that could cause anxiety. Focus. I focused like a zen little monkey with a hard-on furiously working toward that climax. And sure enough within a few seconds of regulating my breathing I was soaring again. So, it was just that simple. Or rather it isn’t just that simple. Breathing, I mean. It should be, you’d think it would be. All the times we’re gasping for breath while we’re under duress, bitching about needing a vacation, looking flushed. Just keep in mind oxygen, given such circumstances is as potent as any analgesic. So the next time your stressed, don’t waste your breath bitching, just Breathe.
|