Page 3 - NYWaste-Spring2014

New York waste we’re Back Issue 2013 3
Internet Sufferers (Collected, transmuted and transcribed from around the globe]
When Jesus was getting crucified, I wonder if he thought -"I bet this will look good on a necklace one day."
The Warning Signs of Insanity...
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
You collect dead windowsill flies.
You like cats. Especially with mayo.
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."
You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.
You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.
The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you. You like reading lists like this.
"The Agony of Aging"
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy cover- ing his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You dumb ass! You're supposed to turn your clock back".
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.
NINE MONTHS LATER
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,”Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?”
“Yes, I do.” said Bob
“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes!,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to give her my name insteadof telling her your name?”
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy, I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
Cunning Stunts by Lucky Lawler©2014
m
p
m
B B
p
m
B
p
m
B
p
m
B
p