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Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A Deathbed Confession
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. “My darling John, “ she whispered.
“Hush, my love,” he said. “Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don’t’ talk.”
But she was insistent. “John,” she said in her tired voice. “I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you.”
“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping John, “it’s all right. Everything’s all right, go to sleep now.”
“No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.”
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. “Hush now Becky, don’t torment yourself. I know all about it. “ He said, “Why do you think I poisoned you?”
The Eternal Blonde Jokes!