NY Waste Spring 2018

New York waste
spring 2018 3
Internet Sufferers (Collected, transmuted and transcribed from around the globe\]
I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone. I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recog- nizes you there. I have however been in Sane. They don’t have an airport, you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work. I would go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physi- cal activity anymore. I have been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was important to stand firm.Sometimes I’m in Capa- ble, and I go there more often as I’m getting older. One of my fa- vorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country that was in. It’s an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there. I hope I’ve reached out to at least one unstable person? My job is done!
Trump goes to the UN and announces that contrary to what was printed in Fire and Fury, he is a genius. In fact, he says, he has memorized the capitals of every nation represented there. “Go ahead, test me,” he challenges. “Give me a hard one.”
One representative stands and says, “Okay. What’s the capital of Tanganyika?”
“Shoot, that’s easy for me,” says Trump. “The capital of Tanganyika is T.”
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the com- pound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. “Wow, this is great,” he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
“Hey,” he called. “I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”
“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. “What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked. “Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.” This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”
“You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.” The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later com- pletely full. “Is there anything else you guys do?” he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. “There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,” he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.” Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. “That was fantastic,” he panted. “So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked. “I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.” The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”
“I do,” our friend replied. “But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.”
Where Did the White Man Go Wrong?
Indian Chief ‘Two Eagles’ was asked by a white government official, ‘You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.’
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, ‘Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?’
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. ‘When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.’ Then the chief leaned back and smiled. ‘Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.’
TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE
During a dull White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.
“I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!”
“Very impressive,” said Tillerson, “but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean”
“Oh, I know”, replied Melania, “but neither does the parrot.”
Trump shuts himself in his room for a week. When he emerges he asks that Kellyanne Conway, Hope Hicks, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Jared, Ivanka, Donnie Jr., Steve Miller, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, and Mike Pence all gather round him while he shows the world just how
Cunning Stunts by Lucky Lawler©2018
brilliant he is.
When all are gathered, Trump claims that he has just accomplished something so complicated that it will force all those who have called him a moron to regret their faulty judgments. “Although it took me seven long days, I just completed this entire jigsaw puzzle,” he crows.
“Wow!” exclaim those gathered around him. “Is that some sort of record?”
“It must be,” exclaims Trump. “I did it in just one week and right on the side of the box it says 3 to 6 years!”
u
u
u
u
l
l
l
l
l
l
s
s
s
s
s
s
p
p
s
s
u
u
r
r
r
r
r
r
p
p
p
p
p
p
Question: What is Trump's plan to get the United States out of trillions in debt?
Answer: Up it to quadrillions of dollars, then declare bankruptcy. He’s a successful businessman