Page 3 - NY Waste Fall 2014

Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning!" he said.
The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."
Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires
15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11. Can’t enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It’s Elvis!"
10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it’s impossible
to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9. After 100 years of trying, still can’t score with Elvira.
8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior high schools are suddenly off-limits.
6. No warm blood for miles around DC.
5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey. And the no. 1 complaint of Modern-day Vampires:
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
Thanks to Ebola, this Halloween, the scariest costume might turn out to be that sexy nurse uniform.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue, Neither one of them,
Gives a fuck about you!
A lady’s picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
He says, “No, ma’am, they’re dead.”
A Muslim man walks into his local mosque and says, "Forgive me Allah, for I have sinned".
"What I just can’t understand though, is why I am allowed to behead all of my enemies and marry little girls, but it is forbidden for me to eat a fucking bacon sandwich?".
A policeman just
stopped me because I
was "drunkenly swerv-
ing" in the road. So I told him if he didn’t It’s just as well I was- stop bleeding right away, n’t driving. he’d die.
Cunning Stunts by Lucky Lawler©2014
New York waste Halloweenie issue 2014 3
Internet Sufferers (Collected, transmuted and transcribed from around the globe]
Last Halloween I killed a Vampire. . . . or maybe it was a little kid, anyway, a stake through the heart worked.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to APPLYpressure.
10. 9.
8. 7.
6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
You get winded from knocking on the door.
You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
You ask for high fiber candy only.
When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balanceand fall over.
People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you’re not wearing a mask.
When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can’t remember the rest.
By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Gonna need a bigger boat